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My Home Pen Y Llechwedd

My Home Pen Y Llechwedd

I went for a walk this morning, my head just wasn’t right, and a walk is usually the way I find my way through. It was a hot morning, well over 22 degrees before I left home, the grass was dry and the hot air stifling.

I’ve been thinking, so much thinking, about this pending move and what the right decision is. I don’t know why I am so hesitant to move, I love my home sure, but I love my kids so much more. It’s not a move we had considered before last month, I mean The Builder had mentioned before he would like to retire near the beach, but that’s so many years away I never gave it much thought.

 

So here we are in a situation in which only my daughter and myself don’t want to leave. Usually that is enough for me to be comfortable with our decision, but this time not. I needed to get to the bottom of why this was so hard for me to come to terms with, and so the thinking began.

Thinking all day, thinking all night when I should be sleeping, thinking through conversations with the kids, thinking through dinner with the builder, it didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, I was thinking.

No matter how much thinking, the reason for my hesitation just wouldn’t reveal itself to me. Until today during my walk, it hit me. It hit me in a flood of tears, great body wrecking sobs while walking along the track in the park. So loud I worried that the cars driving past would hear me.

It came to me with a bang, took the air right out of my lungs and settled itself neatly in my heart. This house, my home, it is me.

I have poured every piece of my creative being into our home, I have designed, painted, faffed and pulled together my soul and laid it bare in my home.

Pen Y Llechwedd is who I have become.

I have done this once before, I became my work. Pharmacy gave me the strength to learn who I was, but it also became the chain by which I was bound. It was my self-worth, just as I have allowed Pen Y Llechwedd to become.

That is why this is such a struggle.

I can’t tell you this has solved my longing to stay here, but I am beginning to come to terms with the why.

We’ve been looking hard and I am pleased to say we have found a few new homes that may fit the bill for our family. I know I can create a home that works for us all again, but this time I will do so a little guarded.  I will create a home knowing it will belong to someone else, one day.

Have you had to leave a home you love? Where would you love to live?

Nicole xxx

 

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27 Comments

  1. Oh, Nicole, that must be so hard! You really have created a beautiful home. I can understand why you’re loathe to leave it. I would be too. We’ve never been able to afford to buy but I have had to leave the area I love most in Sydney and I hated that feeling.

    1. It feels a little like grieving, a real surprise to me. I guess it’s never nice to feel loss. xx

  2. Big hugs. It is a beautiful home so I can understand your feelings as you did it yourself. I have never loved a home enough to hold back from a move. There are elements I miss of every home -location , one perfect master bedroom/ensuite/walk-in, one great kitchen etc. Maybe someday I will find or create a home I love so much I never want to leave. Good luck with selecting your next home. I imagine it will be wonderful because you make it so.

    1. This is a great perspective, thank you. I do believe we can create what we need where ever we end up, I feel confident the little bit of myself I leave behind here, will be well love by it’s next owners. xx

  3. I would love to live anywhere where it’s 22 degrees and a stifling walk at this time of the year! Queensland here I come …

    1. I know where there is a beautiful house for sale 🙂 🙂 xx

  4. I’ve never loved a home that much to be reluctant to leave it but I’ve never invested so much of my own creativity, time and love into a home! What a hard decision and adjustment moving will be.

    Ingrid
    http://www.fabulousandfunlfe.blogspot.com.au

    1. I guess I thought we’d be here forever when I did this house, but really it’s where my heart resides. x

  5. Feeling for you, Nicole. Letting go is so hard. x

    1. It sure is proving to be this time xx

  6. Argh! I feel for you. I’ve fallen in love with the house through you. Letting go is hard, I know, but it’s always worth it. Josh from The Minimalists says that you should have nothing or no one in life you can’t walk away from. I’m not sure I’m quite at that stage yet, but I can see how freeing it could be. Whether you stay or go, with you at the helm, your family are always going to live in a beautiful and loving home!

    1. Hmmm, not sure if I can get to Josh’s stage, but I do think he is certainly on to something. Thank you for your kind words xxx

  7. Oh Nicole! This is a tough one. It sounds to me like you’re not quite ready to leave yet. I’m sure though that you’ll pour just as much love into your next home. Good luck!! #teamIBOT

    1. Thank you Renee, tough as it may be, I am sure that is where growth comes from. (or that’s what I’m telling myself)

  8. I don’t have that experience with a home but a bad nights sleep was a blessing in disguise for me in the past week as my guard was down and I reaslied exactly what I had felt about something bubbling away under the surface. Good luck with moving forward and finding a new home 🙂

    1. It is amazing how those feelings eventually come to the front! Hope it was a productive find for you xx

  9. Oh Nicole, my heart goes out to you. it’s never an easy decision. Yes, I had to leave a home I loved (the one we built – or rather the builders built – but to our plans) when circumstances changes. We were there for 10 years. Recently that house came back on the market so we went for a sticky beak. It looks a little dated now and although there are many things I still like about it, I wouldn’t want to move back although the hubster said he would happily buy it again in a flash!

    1. It’s amazing how we move on with time. I am sure I will always miss this house, but am also sure a new adventure awaits! xxx

  10. I’ve never quite felt that attached to a house…too many moves, I suspect. But I do understand grief. I’m glad you’ve been able to figure out the source of your unsettled feelings. My prayer for you is that you will grieve this loss well, and that your new season will be filled with abundant blessing and maybe even anticipation for the good things that it will bring.

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts Tracy. I am sure that we will enjoy the new adventure and that it is the one we are meant to be on. xxx

  11. Nicole, reading this post made my heart ache. I hope for you that now you have pinpointed the feelings that you can work through them. It makes sense that you would feel unsettled at such a pivotal time for your family. Also, your home is beautiful, I wouldn’t want to leave either, but you’ll make any house feel like home with your talent.

    1. Thank you Bron, your kind words mean a lot. xxx

  12. I grieved for most of 2015 because we did the ‘sensible thing’ and sold our house in Sydney to pay out the mortgage, have some money put behind us until we could buy again …and moved to the central coast to rent. I had no idea of the emotional impact of what we did (very practical and sensible idea) and I paid for it with some part of my emotional health. However, I was also grieving ‘loss of family contact’, ‘retiring from some of my career’s life work and more. So, can I tell you what to do? No but at least now you have an idea of what it is that has affected you so much and in all likelihood will continue unless you, somehow over time, come to the conclusion that home will be wherever your heart is. Tough call Nicole! I wish you well. Denyse x

    1. Thank you Denyse, this is really helpful. Also nice to know I am not the only one to have gone through something like this. I am hoping that the emotional blockage clears shortly, so we can all enjoy our move xx

  13. Oh Nic, gosh it must be hard. We are looking at moving and while our house isn’t who I am, we did build it. My husband proposed on our concrete foundation where we now eat dinner every night. What a decision. Much love to you x

    1. That is such a lovely story!!! What a sweetie xx Big decision but a necessary one I think. xx

  14. Oh Nicole, I know how you feel. We put so much of ourselves into our homes. I found it hard to leave our last house. I had to remind myself that even though I don’t have the house anymore, I will always have the memories. Kylie xx

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