I went for a walk this morning, my head just wasn’t right, and a walk is usually the way I find my way through. It was a hot morning, well over 22 degrees before I left home, the grass was dry and the hot air stifling.
I’ve been thinking, so much thinking, about this pending move and what the right decision is. I don’t know why I am so hesitant to move, I love my home sure, but I love my kids so much more. It’s not a move we had considered before last month, I mean The Builder had mentioned before he would like to retire near the beach, but that’s so many years away I never gave it much thought.
So here we are in a situation in which only my daughter and myself don’t want to leave. Usually that is enough for me to be comfortable with our decision, but this time not. I needed to get to the bottom of why this was so hard for me to come to terms with, and so the thinking began.
Thinking all day, thinking all night when I should be sleeping, thinking through conversations with the kids, thinking through dinner with the builder, it didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, I was thinking.
No matter how much thinking, the reason for my hesitation just wouldn’t reveal itself to me. Until today during my walk, it hit me. It hit me in a flood of tears, great body wrecking sobs while walking along the track in the park. So loud I worried that the cars driving past would hear me.
It came to me with a bang, took the air right out of my lungs and settled itself neatly in my heart. This house, my home, it is me.
I have poured every piece of my creative being into our home, I have designed, painted, faffed and pulled together my soul and laid it bare in my home.
Pen Y Llechwedd is who I have become.
I have done this once before, I became my work. Pharmacy gave me the strength to learn who I was, but it also became the chain by which I was bound. It was my self-worth, just as I have allowed Pen Y Llechwedd to become.
That is why this is such a struggle.
I can’t tell you this has solved my longing to stay here, but I am beginning to come to terms with the why.
We’ve been looking hard and I am pleased to say we have found a few new homes that may fit the bill for our family. I know I can create a home that works for us all again, but this time I will do so a little guarded. I will create a home knowing it will belong to someone else, one day.
Have you had to leave a home you love? Where would you love to live?